Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Why do so many people fear marriage?  Well, it's fear that holds us back, isn't it?  The fear of failure, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being unloved.  Is it possible that the things we fear the most are the most worthwhile?

I was scared of marriage for a long time.  My parents divorced when I was in college, and it was devastating.  The last thing I wanted to do was have a family and then tear it apart - the pain was just too deep, too tumultuous.  I have a Master of Social Work degree from UCLA, along with a social work license in Texas.  While studying for my licensing exam, I learned that adult children who endure divorce take, on average, 10 years to process it and heal from it.  I'd say that was about right for me.  I pushed so many guys away and had such terrible boundaries with them because I didn't really want to fall, I didn't want to risk the loss of love.  This was subconscious, but I can see it clearly now.  I made poor choices in men - but I learned from it.  I'm not feeling regret - I'm feeling liberation.  I'm finally free from the pain and shackles of the fear of love.  I know love is possible for all of us - regardless of where we come from, what we've endured, what we've feared.

I feel like my generation has been running from marriage.  And, I agree, the institution is imperfect.  But it does exist, and it's cool for people who want it.  For those who don't, there's beauty in the power of a choice.  I love choices.  I always liked multiple choice questions because of the finality in making a decision and being correct.  However, I learned to embrace open-ended questions in college because I could get points for what I did know versus getting dinged for what I didn't know.  In relationships, there are open-ended questions.  Love is not a multiple choice test.  It's all about options and thoughts and being rewarded for what you know.  Marriage can be rewarding when you know your heart and you find another heart that aligns with yours.  My quest is not about finding the one who completes me.  I loved Jerry Maguire, but I don't want someone who completes me.

One of my favorite books is the Celestine Prophecy.  The discussion I love most is regarding two complete souls aligning with each other.  The insecure relationship (which leads to most divorce, I would argue), has to do with two incomplete circles coming together to make one circle.  The most powerful and lasting bond involves two complete circles that join together like Olympic rings.  The ideal union involves two individuals who are happy on their own but enhanced by each other.  I'm not in my twenties anymore.  I've grown up, and I know who I am.  I embrace the tapestry of my life's experiences (good and bad) because the combination  makes me the unique individual I am today.  I believe there is someone for everyone out there.....and there is more than one potential soulmate for each person.

Some may argue that marriage is not necessary today - and I don't disagree.  It's a choice!  And I want it - I want the commitment, the legally binding contract and the vows that go along with it.  I want to be married before God, and I want to have two children and love their father until death do us part.  :)  Some may say that my odds are 50% that it will end in divorce, but I would argue that the glass is half full not half empty.  And the risk is worth the reward....

Monday, June 28, 2010

Nearly stood up...

I've been stood up once in my life - it happened a few months ago, actually.  I still haven't heard from the guy as to why he was a no show.  And, today, my lunch date nearly stood me up.  But, I communicated with him and learned that he was tied up with work.  Hmmmmm.  I had to reach out, however.  We had plans to meet up around 1pm.  1pm came and went, and he was incommunicado.

Part of me wants to say, I'm done...but we were set up by a mutual friend, and we have chemistry.  And, I do know his focus in on work right now.  Do I fit into that picture?  I think I it worth fighting for?  Well, I will give him this one time as a freebie, but I certainly don't want to put up with it on a continual basis.

Last night was an amazing night at HOB for Chick Singer Night.  We had an incredible group of singers and, of course, the house band was smokin' - those guys are incredible players.  A cute guy I met recently online showed up....and he met my wedding coordinator.  He had no idea about Project Husband, but he does now!  Also, David showed up, which was nice, since he flew to Spain this morning and will be gone until the 10th.  I'm glad I got to see him before he left, and he helped me carry the Chick Singer Night merch's nice to have a strong man around....

My dad brought a date from Houston, who happens to be an amazing chick singer.  It was her first time on the stage in 8 years.  I got on stage and sang a song with her, and it was so much fun!  Go Dad!  Unfortunately, however, my dad received news this morning that he has a spinal cord infection, which occurred when he had surgery last month.  It explains why he has been in so much pain lately.  But, it means that he is in the hospital in Houston for treatment.  I am praying that everything goes well.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Accuracy vs. flair

Last night, I took 3rd place in a Guitar Hero contest at LaGrange in Deep Ellum.  I was not the best technical player, but for what I lacked in substance I recovered with flair.  I used to think that accuracy was everything - that I had to be perfect.  That was before I truly embraced my life as an artist.  Today, I see that flair is important in all we do....from dating, to living to accepting others...

It's not about perfection, it's about progress.  And it felt so good to rock the stage Guitar Hero style to Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage.  I felt empowered, and I had fun!  My attitude and energy came across to the judges, and in 3rd place, I took home an Xbox Elite.

Now I'm learning to embrace my imperfections - and to embrace imperfections in others.  In dating, isn't it easy to dismiss someone because he's imperfect?  He is too big, too small, doesn't make enough money, late to appointments, has bad days...but aren't we all of those things at some point in our lives....?  Is there a perfect partner?  Not really....there's someone out there for each of us - a nearly perfect match - but there is no perfect human being.

So, I'm looking for flair!  If the guy lives his life to the fullest, approaches his days with zest and flair, smiles even when it rains, sees the positive in others (especially in me)....he could be a keeper.  The spark - joie de vivre - is so much more important than perfection is....

Friday, June 25, 2010

3 dates yesterday

Yesterday, I broke a personal record - I had 3 dates in one day - lunch, drinks and dinner...

It was fun, and I'm exhausted today as a result!!

A friend in my building called me a "baller."  Another one said - she loves the fact that I'm dating so much - she said it's great to have a woman match some of the men she who date like crazy......ladies - try it!!  Someone told me today that she'd break into hives if she were in my shoes.  The thought of dating makes her skin crawl.  She also asked me - what if you do get married and then you're stuck with a guy you can't stand?!  Well, isn't that the risk anyone takes when getting married?  And, isn't the risk worth the reward?  I've lived alone my entire life - why shouldn't I experience companionship and love in my home?  The same woman who asked me this question admitted that the last man she lived with was a nightmare.  She has sworn off all men.  I have felt that way in the past - I would say things like, "Men are jerks." or "Men suck." or "I hate men."  But, you know what, I really hated myself!  It's not solely a man's fault that I've had a bad relationship.  It's not a man's fault that I've felt insecure.  It's my fault.  I let men treat me in a way that was less than desirable.  I didn't love myself enough to create boundaries and to allow men to treat me well.  And the men who treated me poorly didn't love themselves enough either.  It takes 2 to tango and 2 to make a thing go right and 2 to make it bad!

Today, I love myself.  I take care of myself.  I'm not perfect - sometimes I eat too much, sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I say a lot of bad words.  But, I am human!  And I know my limitations.  A wise man once said - all things in moderation, even moderation.  Thus, it can be appropriate to push limits, to cross boundaries and to have fun!

I have found that by loving myself and putting myself first, others show me more respect.  Something you may not know about me is that I recently lost a lot of weight.  Upon turning 35, I didn't want to feel fat anymore.  I had put on so much weight, that I didn't see how I was going to get out of it.  I had masked pain and misery (from a tragic accident in my family and job loss) with food and drink, and my body was showing it.  When I was turning 35, I thought, "I can't control the number of years in my age, but I can control the number on the scale."  I lost 50 pounds before I turned 35.  And I work hard each day to keep it off!

The change in the way I view myself has been immense - and the change in the way I allow others to treat me (especially men) has changed, as well.  I'm not saying that being thin is the end all be doesn't change the soul or character of a person.  But, it does feel better...!!!

In conclusion, there is no conclusion, really....but there is food for thought.  And, I try to think now more than I eat.  Food is fuel, but deep thoughts are like butter.  I encourage everyone to date!  Even if you're married, take your spouse on a date!!  Appreciate each other, love yourself and allow others to treat you the way you want to be treated.  Self-love goes a long way....and if your mind is in the gutter, you will see more than one meaning of self-love.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Risk and dating

No risk, no reward, right?!  Sometimes I question myself - in performing, in this project, in life....but I have learned that life is short - and it's worth going for it!  In the last several weeks, I have had a total whirlwind.  It's been great - I have met a ton of great people - not just potential suitors.  I've continued to put myself out there, and it's paying off....

Last week, I had a day of doubt, in which I didn't feel like getting on stage and performing, and I didn't feel like going on one of my scheduled dates.  But, I pushed myself to do both, and guess what?!  I felt great once I was on that stage, and I felt good during the date.  I enjoyed myself, and the self-doubt faded away.  I've noticed that fear can hold me back...but I try to walk into that fear, and when I do, I'm rewarded.  Sometimes the initiation of an activity can be the most difficult part of the exercise (for example, going to the gym).  But once I'm engaged in the process, I'm enjoying myself, and I'm feeling good.

Upon reflecting on Father's Day and dating some single fathers lately, I'm realizing that fathers make good mates....they are thoughtful, considerate and sensitive.  For all of you single fathers out there, I'm in your corner!  I used to think that I'd marry someone without children - so that we could start a family together.  But I'm realizing that the connection and love are most important.  After all, a loving father is capable of a secure relationship - he could be great to me as a spouse.  It's a risk to start a family with someone who already has children, but the reward could be great....

I'm feeling good today - had a great weekend with my dad and little brother.  David (my date) spent some time with the family, too.  He was sweet with my little brother, which scored him points.  I have a date later today with a relatively new we shall see.  So far, so good...!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Cake tasting and whirlwind dating

I had a pleasant surprise yesterday....Ruthie, who runs Delicious Cakes, previously set me up with a great guy, Dilan....and he and I had a wedding cake tasting yesterday afternoon.  Dilan has a major sweet tooth, and he's extremely sweet, as it was a total treat.  Dilan is a catch - country singer/songwriter, master dealer for Clear (wireless communications) and great guy all around.  Ruthie is awesome for thinking of us and for providing the most exquisite cake!!  We tried many varieties of soft, moist, delicate beads of bliss - in flavors such as pink champagne, Italian wedding cake, raspberry liqueur, red velvet, kahlua chocolate, princess....all delicious with varieties of frosting, as well....what a perfect date!  We both felt the sugar high and added coffee to the mix to avoid crashing.....

This past week was a whirlwind of dating.  I had been traveling last week, and my calendar this week filled up with first meetings.  From Dilan to a new guy from and a contact from, there were many dates.  Lunch Tuesday, lunch Wednesday, HOB show Wednesday night, drinks last night, dinner date tonight, movie date tomorrow = 6 dates this week.  This is a high volume week....and I have gained some new insight....which I am still formulating and evaluating.

Yesterday, before the cake tasting, I spoke with Ruthie and Naomi at the Dallas Bridal Shows office, and I got more excited about the wedding....the bridesmaids dresses are coming from Bliss Bridal Salon in Ft. Worth....Bliss is also providing my veil, shoes and jewelry....and I found out that Demetrios is providing my wedding dress.....I love that he's a Greek designer!!!   Now I need my Greek mom to come and help me try on dresses!  And, I know my mom wants a cake tasting.  She loves cake the way I love pizza....and it's intense love....!!!!!

Now, for a little bit of 4 months, I've met 40 different guys...and there are 3 that I truly could see walking down the aisle - and beyond...the guys are very different from each other, each lovely....time will tell.  I am learning so much about what I want and don't want, and I'm improving my listening that I can gain further insight into this dating and mating process....!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Project Husband hits Atlanta + updates

I arrived in Atlanta late last night - just barely, however.  Using a free ticket (with miles) can be less than glamorous.  I'm happy I could use the miles, since they made the trip affordable, BUT - I had to connect in Houston, and I barely made the connection.  As I was leaving Dallas Love, the Continental agent told me that with the hour delay, I probably would miss my the connecting flight.  Since there was a slight chance I'd make it, I took the chance.  I had one minute to get to the gate in Houston, and I sprinted - with my carry on bag, and Zoe in her doggie bag and in 4 inch heels.  My heart was about to come out of my chest when I arrived at the gate, but I made it!  Happily, I landed in Atlanta only about 15 minutes later than expected - just after midnight.  My friend, Marc, was waiting for me outside baggage claim, and Zoe and I were very happy to see him!

Quite a few noteworthy things happened in the last week.  I had a blast at the Nuts and Bolts mixer at Samar.  I wore a short dress that Dora found for me at Buffalo Exchange for $10!!  I had stopped at LaGrange in Deep Ellum before the mixer, and the parking lot attendant asked for my autograph when he saw me in the short dress.  He said he would have asked me to sign his underwear, but he wasn't wearing any.  I was flattered (I know some would be appalled, but I found the guy to be harmless and charming in his own special way).  For the occassion, I also had a bang trim by Paul Neinast, and one of the guys at my mixer told me how much he liked my bangs....again, I was flattered.  It's nice to get affirmation!  I know it's not everything, people, but isn't it nice?!

Later in the week, I took Steve for his first facial at Facelogic.  He loved it!  The reclining facial chairs are super cool and comfy.  I didn't want to leave.  That evening, I cooked with Craig for Steve....we made amazing Mexican food!!  It was the best guac I've EVER had.  Steve seemed to enjoy the meal, as well....and Zoe loved getting little tastes.  It was her first avocado experience.  There is nothing that dog won't eat!  I had a great date with Steve, and I also was missing David.  He was out of town all last week, and I picked him up at the airport yesterday just to turn around and have him take me to Dallas Love for my Atlanta trip.  I'd say absence does make the heart grow fonder.  My heart skipped a beat when I saw David again for the first time in a week.  So, I know I still really like him!

Also, I had an amazing experience at the Renew Beauty Medi Spa at Northpark on Saturday.  The owner, Louise, is incredible.  You wouldn't believe all the services that are available....I will keep you in suspense regarding which treatment I had.  Video coming soon!

Tonight is the first out-of-state Project Husband mixer in Buckhead.  We have over 200 RSVPs, so it should be a good time!!!  Tomorrow is my friend's birthday, so we will continue the celebration until I leave early Thursday morning.  With the award ticket, I landed a 5:30am departure, connecting in it worth going to sleep Wednesday night when I need to wake up super early anyhow?  We shall see....

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Latest and greatest

Yesterday was an awesome day - I met with the CW 33 and Bridal Shows sponsors, and my wedding is going to be off the hook!!!I am so grateful to have a wedding coordinator and to have support in my marriage endeavors...We agreed it takes a village.And my village is more like the Village People....I envision a music video coming soon....!

Last night, I held a mixer at Samar by Stephan Pyles. It was a beautiful venue and evening on the patio...Before the event, I shopped at Lowe's to purchase sets of nuts and bolts to foster interaction. The hardware rep had a blast picking out nuts and bolts with me....I had fun, too.  Who knew hardware could be so fun?! It made me want to get a tool belt. Lowe's was so clean, and everything was so shiny. I also saw a hot guy in scrubs. I'm thinking I need a singles mixer at Lowe's with cocktails. Nonetheless, at Samar, each gal received a bolt (phallic), and each guy received a nut (seemed fitting to apply role reversal), and the guys and gals had to search for their perfect fit. It was a good icebreaker! I have to give David credit for the idea. And, he couldn't even be at the event - he was out of town for work.  It was a good time overall, and I ended the night at Cirque with Joanie, as we chatted and shared a bottle of Pinot Noir from the C. Donatiello winery in Sonoma (where I enjoyed an amazing weekend of Jackopierce concert events). Good times!

I did have a bad date recently, and someone said he wanted to hear more, so here it is.....we met for a meal, and I was so not attracted to him that I felt repulsed. I felt anxiety - I kind of just wanted to be his friend. We had some things in common, but I knew he wanted more....he wants to be married and find a soul connection. However, that connection will not be with me. I considered ducking out of the meal early, but I knew that would be rude. So I stuck with it....but I felt short of breath and very anxious the entire time. It was strange to be so turned off....but I guess that's dating!! My new friend and wedding coordinator, Marla, said she'd be my "save" anytime. I could send her an SOS text...I think I need to do a better job of screening up front. In general, I've been pretty lucky with my dates....!!

Tonight, I have a singles happy hour for No Excuses - I am the featured client this month - "Miss June." Then, I am performing at the Big D Opry at Gilley's. It's all exciting and good!  I'll be ready for my facial at Facelogic tomorrow - it's a facial date!!! Then I'm cooking Mexican food for my date with the help of Chef Craig....YUM!